16 weeks and a gender

4 months! 16 weeks.

come june i will be outnumbered, we are having a baby boy!

we decided to find out the gender of our baby before our 20 week doctor's appointment. i wanted us to have that moment together, just us. for me, it will be forever engraved on my heart. the first ultrasound was special, but this one was different. we could see his profile, he was moving his little legs and feet, he was moving his arms and he even looked up at us so we could look into his face. i started to tear up. i was amazed. now, he isn't a blob in there, he is a little person! he is MY little person. OUR little person. it's this experience and i'm sure many more to come, that help me realize just how much of a miracle this whole thing really is. i am so grateful and we are both SO excited.

we told our families and friends later that day and have already received a few gifts! to know the gender  makes everything so real. i also feel like time is moving so fast, while also occasionally feeling like it is standing still. before i know it he will be here and we will be parents! of course i have worries about how our life will change once he is here, but i know that we will love each other even more. and i never mind a third wheel on a date with tyler, especially a snuggly little baby!

all in all, we are SO excited for this baby to be progressing and growing. being pregnant is definitely harder on my body than i thought it would be, but every time i feel discouraged i imagine the day i get to look my baby in the face. i wonder what he will look like, what he will be like and how amazing that first meet will be. at the end of each day, my swollen feet are sore and tired and i feel self conscious about my body, but this is temporary, and when this time is over, i will be holding my little baby boy. it is all worth it. it is all for him.

baby boy, we love you so much already, your dad and i cannot wait to meet you and watch you grow up. thanks for coming to our family!

the bump at 16 weeks

on my heart: some thoughts about parenting

just a few more days until i head to utah and then rexburg to visit family and friends. i am super excited to see this cutie and my nephews! this is a photo of her when she turned two back in august. that girl is so spunky and hilarious. don't get me wrong, i love my nieces and nephews on the rex side, but there is some sort of connection that i have with brylee that i just don't know how to describe. i think it was because kimberly and i became so close while she was pregnant or maybe because i was able to photograph her birth story and feel the tangible love fill the room when she was born. it was as if heaven existed in the room, for just a moment.

sometimes i think about becoming a mother and i feel an overwhelming joy and peace come over me. other times i feel a bit nervous for the future of carrying a child to term, staying healthy and delivering a healthy baby, raising a family and providing for them temporally and spiritually. there is so much that goes into being a parent and sometimes that scares me. but then i think about brylee. i think about the day she was born, how we all waited for her and prayed for her to be healthy and strong when she came to earth. i think about embracing my brother in law as we both cried in awe of how perfect she was. it was love at first sight. we knew she was special as soon as we saw her. i didn't know that i would feel so attached to her, but i did. i would visit her and my sister all the time. it was so fun to watch my sister and her husband become parents and to help them when brylee came.

since that day 2 years ago i have grown to love brylee even more. she has taught me so much about love. i love her so much that i could just play with her all day. hearing her call my name "eh-my" through the house just melts my heart. i never knew that could happen, to feel this crazy overwhelming love for another human being just because they say your name. i love that girl so much i would change her poopy diapers over and over and over again. watching her giggle, smile and learn is so rewarding and as an aunt i just get a tiny piece of it. seeing what i see and feeling the love i do, i can't even imagine how it feels as a parent. it must feel like you could burst at any moment.

but things about caring for a child aren't often very glamorous. sometimes i see these mommy bloggers and think that they make things seems so perfect all the time. parents and children dressed like they stepped out of a gap commercial, their nurseries decorated like a catalog and their husbands supportive and happy all the time. but that isn't reality! life it tough sometimes. with the sweet comes the bitter. sometimes there are blow out diapers and puke stains that come with the beautiful moments in life. but i wouldn't trade a poopy diaper if it meant one less smile or laugh. i wouldn't trade a whine or a tantrum for the sound of my name echoing through the hallways.

i know i have such a small glimpse of what it is to care for a child. my body has never given birth to, breastfed or watched over a child. but i know what i know and from my view the sacrifices, whether they be fashion, body fat percentage, money, time or sleep in no way amount to the joys of becoming a parent. so when you are nervous about being a first, second or fourth time mother, just remember that heaven that you feel when a baby is born. remember how your heart feels like it's going to burst when that baby says your name. remember how your world seems right somehow when those chubby hands wrap their hands around your neck.

for me, when the time comes, i will do my best to remember that no matter how many hard moments there are... all the precious ones are worth it.

they are all worth it. 

it's been a while

after a 3 month hiatus i feel the sudden urge to return to this blog. return to this place where i have shared so much. the one place i can record my joys, my pains, my adventures, my struggles. this year has been a doozy. i feel like every time i start to make progress life decides to knock me down again. so much has happened the past few months. so many things weigh heavenly on my heart. so many things.

after much thought, in june, tyler and i decided to move back to california.

we prayed and fasted and realized what we wanted our future to be and where we wanted to be. while he could enjoy living away from family, friends and familiarity permanently, i wasn't comfortable with it long term. he also wanted to do what he was passionate about for a living. he wanted to make a difference in people's lives. we decided to move back to california, live with my parents and save money for a home while tyler attended school. he is getting his masters in education and a teaching credential. he will teach high school and also coach, something i always knew he would be wonderful at. we made plans, talked and talked. prayed and prayed. everything fell into place for us to move back. i found a job, we found renters to take over our lease just days before we left las vegas. and numerous other blessings along the way. it was undeniable. God led us down the path that we were meant to be upon. i knew it and so did He.

since being back, things have been great in a lot of ways. we are getting along with my family. this is huge. living in the same house as my family was not always easy for me growing up. granted, i am not sharing my room with 2 sisters anymore. we love living where we live. we have hiking trails close by, our ward is great and we have our family and friends close. it has been good in so many ways. it has also been hard in some ways. finding a balance between time with tyler and time with our family is tricky sometimes, but we are getting the hang of it. dealing with different ways of doing things around the house. sharing a bathroom with not just tyler, but also my 18 year old brother.

the toughest thing is that my anxiety came back when i started my job. worse than it has in a long time. i made the decision to leave the job and focus on my health and decide what i really wanted. it was hard for me to leave a job that provided great benefits and good pay, but it wasn't right for me anymore. there were many things about the company that were positive, but at the end of the day the job i would be doing everyday was just not for me. since then, things have been tough for us. me working and saving money was a large part of our plan for the next year. why, if this was the right plan for us, was it not working out the way it was supposed to?

i'm still trying to figure it out. i am making positive changes in my life and i feel such a difference. everyday i pray and study and seek guidance. the temple has been a great blessing for me. i have been trying to go every week and have received peace and comfort as i serve there. i have also received great strength from attending my sunday meetings and talking with my leaders. my anxiety has nearly disappeared. occasionally i will get small rush of worry, but it never lasts long. i know it is cliche, but i believe with all of my heart and soul, without the gospel of Jesus Christ i would be truly lost. even though i have a lot of questions that have yet to be answered, i know that i am loved. i know that i have a Father in Heaven who loves me and hears me. someone is listening when i pray. i know it.

i read an article from the Ensign tonight. it said "many of life's most important lessons are learned from the trials and challenges we experience." although the challenges we all face may be hard to swallow, knowing that we are learning important lessons brings me great comfort. i know that Heavenly Father wants me to grow, to change, to become better than i was before.

i think about my miscarriage nearly every day. i think about it when my friends and family announce their pregnancies. i think about it when i see a family together. i think about it when i see a pregnant woman almost anywhere i go. i think about it when i hold a sweet child in my arms, hear them laugh or make a new discovery. never before have i known the sorrow that i have felt over the past couple months. never before have i wanted a family more than i do at this moment. i yearn for it. i want nothing more. i didn't know that it could be so difficult. i didn't know why things were happening the way they were. why hasn't my life turned out the way i always dreamed it would when i want what's right? then i read the following words...

President Thomas S. Monson has taught: “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”

He is with me through this storm of my life, just like He has been all along. He not only shares in my joys, but He shares in my sorrows. i am never alone. i am never forsaken. my Father and His Son are always by my side. they lead me to where i need to be. i may not understand why sorrowful experiences happen to me or the people i love, but i know this - we are never alone. we will overcome all things through Christ. i know it. i love it. sometimes, it is the only thing that keeps me going.

angels

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

-Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

i want you to know that this is a hard post for me to write. 

i am going to be honest. tell you something that i have been struggling with. tell you some things that are very personal. tell you something that has been weighing heavily on my heart. 

i struggle with anxiety. 

there. i said it. 

when i say anxiety i don't mean the kind of anxiety you get before getting up to talk in church. not the kind where you have butterflies and sweaty palms. i have experienced the normal anxiety that everyone else has many times throughout my life. before exams. before public speaking. but never in my life have i experienced anxiety like i have over the past month and a half. 

i have anxiety induced by change. and guess what? change and i are not good friends. turns out i kind of hate it. i thrive on routine, normalcy and familiarity. needless to say the changes that have occurred in my life over the past 2 months have rocked my world and made me extremely uncomfortable. 

each day is a struggle for me. there have been days that i feel fine and normal. other days i have to fight off the anxiousness every. single. minute. i have to slow my breathing down so i can try to get back to sleep. i try to think happy thoughts. i fight to kick the negativity out of my brain. i try not to throw up when i brush my teeth because the anxiety makes me so nauseous. some days i want to give up. some days i just want to turn around and run back to what i have always known. the streets where i grew up. the college i attended. the smell of the air. the parks, the beaches, the restaurants. i miss it all. but mostly i miss that which is irreplaceable. 

the people i love SO dearly. 

my family members or our dear dear friends. you cannot, nor will you ever be replaced. 

but i wont let anxiety beat me. i cannot give up.

 my life, my marriage and our future depend on it. 

because of this trial i have had my eyes opened to so many blessings. my testimony of the atonement has never been stronger. i have a greater capacity to love others. to let go of past hurt and move forward. i have had numerous times where i was strengthened by the kind strangers around me. women in my ward at church who took time to say a few kind words. visits from friends. my relief society president taking the time to wrap her arms around me and cry with me. family members spending hours on face time with me just so that i didn't feel so alone. priesthood blessings from my husband and our dear bishop. a call from a kind stake president who truly cares about me. an encouraging word, text or phone call from tyler. a phone call or text from a loved one that was just what i needed. new neighbors right across from us who just so happen to be distant friends from california. a family fast for me and my well being and the prayers of so many. and today, a surprise visit from my parents. who came to town to run some errands for my dad's job. mom decided to tag along so she could spend the day with me.

 i know now, more than ever, that my Heavenly Father knows me. and i know that he is with me. he answers my prayers. he knows what i need and when i need it. he has put angels in my path that have blessed my life more than they may ever realize. my gratitude toward these amazing people cannot adequately be expressed. 

and at this moment my heart feels like it's about to burst. 

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

i know that this scripture is true. in times of trial the love of God and our Savior can be felt more than at any other time. although this has been the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life, i know that i will be stronger, i know that i will have greater knowledge, i know that i will be closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior because of it. i wish i could tell you that when i wake up tomorrow i wont be nauseous and anxious. i wish i could know that this trial was going to be over soon and that all of a sudden my life would magically feel normal again. things are different. things cannot be the same as they were before. 

i have to move on and become what He wants me to be. 

for my husband, for our future family and for myself. and i can do it. and the only way i know i can is because of the Gospel. because i know that i am never alone. He is on my right hand and on my left, His spirit is in my heart and His angels are all around me. 

i hope that my honesty can help someone else and that you wont think less of me because of these things that i have shared. i am grateful to those of you who continue to bless my life and strengthen me. to know that i have the love and support from so many people near and far means more to me than you will ever know. thank you for being my angels. 

a farewell party

before we left for vegas it was really important to me to see as many loved ones as possible. my parents graciously hosted a little get together at their home the night before we headed out. it was SO good to see these people. i can't really express adequately how much all of them mean to me. seeing their sweet faces is the thing i miss the most. in fact, writing this is the first time i have cried since moving a week ago. 

that's the only thing that makes this place seem strange, the lack of the people around me that i know and love. everyday i can't wait for tyler to come home from work so i have someone to talk to! it's weird knowing i can't just call my family or friends and meet up for lunch or a movie night. now i am forced to make friends and get out of my comfort zone. i am sure there are fun people to be met at church. that is my only hope! 

thank you to everyone that came to see us off and who continue to support us in our life choices. you know who you are and i hope you know we love you more than words can say. you are in my thoughts and prayers everyday and i miss you more than you know. even though this is hard on my tender heart i know that this is where God wants us to be. that brings me great comfort whenever i start to get a little sad. He is with us always if we seek him. He is my guiding light and my strength. 

 

my heavy heart

today i have many things that weigh heavy on my heart.

sometimes something happens and it makes you stop dead in your tracks. sometimes life lets you down, or maybe it lets someone you love down. the many tragedies that happened last week. the phone call from a friend that made my heart fall into my stomach and wish there was a way i could take all the bad stuff away. the risk of my father's business having to close it's doors because of an ex-partner with a vendetta. these things are real. they come without warning. without a plan. you never see them coming. but what do you do to recover?

i'm still trying to figure that out.

it's hard to know that someone is suffering and that you can't take it away. all you can do is pray. hope. and love them through their trial. all the while trying not to be angry at the cause of it all. it's all out of our control anyway. which seems like a good thing and a bad thing all at the same time. but suffer we must, that is what makes us stronger. and somehow, when it seems like all is lost and you are the weakest you have ever been, you can feel the love of God more than ever before. life is funny like that. without sorrow, we would not know the sweet feeling of joy. we are broken down and given the opportunity to build ourselves back up again. but hopefully this time, we are better than we were before.

this morning as i put in that mixed cd, i had no recollection of what songs i had compiled all those years ago. i'm just so glad that it was tom petty that came through my speakers. as soon as i heard the strum of that guitar i was off in another place. i wasn't on my way to work. i was thinking about a very special friend of mine and her family. thinking about how much i love her and how grateful i am for her in my life. wishing i had a magic wand & could make people, heartaches or ailments disappear.

 thinking about how much i'd like to leave the cares of this world for a while.

a new name...

if you're wondering, my hat is from target. yet another thing found that couldn't be left on the shelf. 

for quite some time i have been thinking about changing the title of this blog space of mine. something catchy. something memorable. mostly, something that reflects my heart and my life. at the ripe age of 25 i find myself to be more tender than i used to be. more in touch with matters on my heart. more emotional. more sensitive. more in tune with my body, my mind, my heart and my soul. as i pondered about changing the name of this blog i went back and forth for a long time. just thinking on it from time to time and playing around with words on a page or words in my mind.

of course this is the place where i write about experiences of my life with tyler. he is my life. my happiness. my sweetheart. and although it will no longer be titled "amy and tyler rex", this will still serve as a documentation of our life. let's face it, tyler has been deeply imprinted on my heart and my world revolves around him. but this is mostly a space that contains my voice. the thoughts on my mind and the thoughts on my heart. so i hope you like it too because i love it. so here is a little bit of a new start. it is here that i will write about the things that are on my heart.

after all, life is not about what possessions i have, what i wear, what the balance of my bank account is or what kind of car i drive. what truly matters is what is written on my heart.