Tuesday, March 5, 2013

angels

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."
-Doctrine and Covenants 84:88


i want you to know that this is a hard post for me to write. 
i am going to be honest. tell you something that i have been struggling with. tell you some things that are very personal. tell you something that has been weighing heavily on my heart. 

i struggle with anxiety. 

there. i said it. 

when i say anxiety i don't mean the kind of anxiety you get before getting up to talk in church. not the kind where you have butterflies and sweaty palms. i have experienced the normal anxiety that everyone else has many times throughout my life. before exams. before public speaking. but never in my life have i experienced anxiety like i have over the past month and a half. 

i have anxiety induced by change. and guess what? change and i are not good friends. turns out i kind of hate it. i thrive on routine, normalcy and familiarity. needless to say the changes that have occurred in my life over the past 2 months have rocked my world and made me extremely uncomfortable. 


each day is a struggle for me. there have been days that i feel fine and normal. other days i have to fight off the anxiousness every. single. minute. i have to slow my breathing down so i can try to get back to sleep. i try to think happy thoughts. i fight to kick the negativity out of my brain. i try not to throw up when i brush my teeth because the anxiety makes me so nauseous. some days i want to give up. some days i just want to turn around and run back to what i have always known. the streets where i grew up. the college i attended. the smell of the air. the parks, the beaches, the restaurants. i miss it all. but mostly i miss that which is irreplaceable. 
the people i love SO dearly. 
my family members or our dear dear friends. you cannot, nor will you ever be replaced. 
but i wont let anxiety beat me. i cannot give up.
 my life, my marriage and our future depend on it. 

because of this trial i have had my eyes opened to so many blessings. my testimony of the atonement has never been stronger. i have a greater capacity to love others. to let go of past hurt and move forward. i have had numerous times where i was strengthened by the kind strangers around me. women in my ward at church who took time to say a few kind words. visits from friends. my relief society president taking the time to wrap her arms around me and cry with me. family members spending hours on face time with me just so that i didn't feel so alone. priesthood blessings from my husband and our dear bishop. a call from a kind stake president who truly cares about me. an encouraging word, text or phone call from tyler. a phone call or text from a loved one that was just what i needed. new neighbors right across from us who just so happen to be distant friends from california. a family fast for me and my well being and the prayers of so many. and today, a surprise visit from my parents. who came to town to run some errands for my dad's job. mom decided to tag along so she could spend the day with me.
 i know now, more than ever, that my Heavenly Father knows me. and i know that he is with me. he answers my prayers. he knows what i need and when i need it. he has put angels in my path that have blessed my life more than they may ever realize. my gratitude toward these amazing people cannot adequately be expressed. 
and at this moment my heart feels like it's about to burst. 

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

i know that this scripture is true. in times of trial the love of God and our Savior can be felt more than at any other time. although this has been the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life, i know that i will be stronger, i know that i will have greater knowledge, i know that i will be closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior because of it. i wish i could tell you that when i wake up tomorrow i wont be nauseous and anxious. i wish i could know that this trial was going to be over soon and that all of a sudden my life would magically feel normal again. things are different. things cannot be the same as they were before. 
i have to move on and become what He wants me to be. 
for my husband, for our future family and for myself. and i can do it. and the only way i know i can is because of the Gospel. because i know that i am never alone. He is on my right hand and on my left, His spirit is in my heart and His angels are all around me. 

i hope that my honesty can help someone else and that you wont think less of me because of these things that i have shared. i am grateful to those of you who continue to bless my life and strengthen me. to know that i have the love and support from so many people near and far means more to me than you will ever know. thank you for being my angels. 

7 comments:

Shalise Rasmussen said...

You are such an inspiration Amy. What an amazing testimony you have!

Ashley and Blake said...

Amy, you are so sweet. I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It breaks my heart that u would think anyone would think less of u for it. Life is hard. Full of ups and downs. And change takes time. I stress every time we sign a lease on a new apartment even when it's in the same city. I'm not sure if this is helpful but for me it really helps to sign up for something I have to do where I can meet some people. Like a tennis class or go to a regular class at the gym u can see familiar faces or a class at the junior college or something. Or since u aren't working, u could talk to ur relief society president and see when the little mommy groups meet or have park days. They would love to have u hang out with them and help play with their kids! You don't have to have your own to hang with them. We love when the other girls aren't working and can come. That might help u feel more included and make friends faster. It's hard in the church when u don't have kids cuz if people don't they work and aren't as available to hang out. Anyway, I hope that helps. I went through a pretty bad depression and didn't really snap out of it until I started running with a friend and made a new good friend in my ward. So maybe find a running buddy or gym buddy in ur ward too? It just takes time. Hang in there!

Shelley said...

Honestly? When things are so stressful I have anxiety attacks. It's always worse when I am adjusting to change or if things are just too overwhelming. You aren't alone! It gets easier once you adjust to your new home, new city, make new friends. I suggest staying busy. Hang out with people, get a job, throw yourself into a hobby, etc. You can sell Scentsy even! ;). I did that as a way to push myself to be more social and I love it. It keeps me busy aside from day to day wife/mommy stuff. Anyway, I hope you feel better soon. I am so glad you have such a strong testimony. What would we do without it?

Kelly Wright said...

I love this post and your honesty! Moving is hard! Especially if you move from somewhere you absolutely love. As someone who has moved a bajillion times, I can truly say that it gets easier with time. It is so hard moving away from family, especially if you are really close with them. You'll probably always miss your family and friends, but the familiarity that you miss from home will eventually fade and where you and Tyler are living will soon become "home". It's so weird when that happens! The one big benefit (at least for us) moving away from family was we have been able to create our own identity. Living close to family you are always identified as someone's daughter/son, but living away, you are whoever you want to be. Also, one thing I have learned to love about moving and change is I can be whoever the heck I want to be and I can make any change I want (be it wardrobe or whatever) without feeling self conscious about it. Plus, moving gives you a good excuse to redecorate. :) Anyway, bottom line is... keep your head up, keep recognizing those angels of yours, and own it. You got this! You are amazing! And I promise, once you guys get a little more settled and you guys get your groove and you make some good friends, life will be so much easier.

R Tanner Family said...

Well said Amy! I hear you and I understand! My prayers are with you.
Alison Tanner

Joshua & Laura Dalton said...

I have it too. Janae and Stacey too. I'm so glad you have turned to the Lord and it seems like you have learned so much! Thanks for sharing. Your story will help others.

Whit said...

Amy, I seriously love you. You are such a good example. It's so brave and kind of you to share this. I know many people struggle with the same things and will find strength and inspiration in your testimony. Keep your chin up. You are talented and amazing in so many ways! Love you!!