angels

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

-Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

i want you to know that this is a hard post for me to write. 

i am going to be honest. tell you something that i have been struggling with. tell you some things that are very personal. tell you something that has been weighing heavily on my heart. 

i struggle with anxiety. 

there. i said it. 

when i say anxiety i don't mean the kind of anxiety you get before getting up to talk in church. not the kind where you have butterflies and sweaty palms. i have experienced the normal anxiety that everyone else has many times throughout my life. before exams. before public speaking. but never in my life have i experienced anxiety like i have over the past month and a half. 

i have anxiety induced by change. and guess what? change and i are not good friends. turns out i kind of hate it. i thrive on routine, normalcy and familiarity. needless to say the changes that have occurred in my life over the past 2 months have rocked my world and made me extremely uncomfortable. 

each day is a struggle for me. there have been days that i feel fine and normal. other days i have to fight off the anxiousness every. single. minute. i have to slow my breathing down so i can try to get back to sleep. i try to think happy thoughts. i fight to kick the negativity out of my brain. i try not to throw up when i brush my teeth because the anxiety makes me so nauseous. some days i want to give up. some days i just want to turn around and run back to what i have always known. the streets where i grew up. the college i attended. the smell of the air. the parks, the beaches, the restaurants. i miss it all. but mostly i miss that which is irreplaceable. 

the people i love SO dearly. 

my family members or our dear dear friends. you cannot, nor will you ever be replaced. 

but i wont let anxiety beat me. i cannot give up.

 my life, my marriage and our future depend on it. 

because of this trial i have had my eyes opened to so many blessings. my testimony of the atonement has never been stronger. i have a greater capacity to love others. to let go of past hurt and move forward. i have had numerous times where i was strengthened by the kind strangers around me. women in my ward at church who took time to say a few kind words. visits from friends. my relief society president taking the time to wrap her arms around me and cry with me. family members spending hours on face time with me just so that i didn't feel so alone. priesthood blessings from my husband and our dear bishop. a call from a kind stake president who truly cares about me. an encouraging word, text or phone call from tyler. a phone call or text from a loved one that was just what i needed. new neighbors right across from us who just so happen to be distant friends from california. a family fast for me and my well being and the prayers of so many. and today, a surprise visit from my parents. who came to town to run some errands for my dad's job. mom decided to tag along so she could spend the day with me.

 i know now, more than ever, that my Heavenly Father knows me. and i know that he is with me. he answers my prayers. he knows what i need and when i need it. he has put angels in my path that have blessed my life more than they may ever realize. my gratitude toward these amazing people cannot adequately be expressed. 

and at this moment my heart feels like it's about to burst. 

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

i know that this scripture is true. in times of trial the love of God and our Savior can be felt more than at any other time. although this has been the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life, i know that i will be stronger, i know that i will have greater knowledge, i know that i will be closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior because of it. i wish i could tell you that when i wake up tomorrow i wont be nauseous and anxious. i wish i could know that this trial was going to be over soon and that all of a sudden my life would magically feel normal again. things are different. things cannot be the same as they were before. 

i have to move on and become what He wants me to be. 

for my husband, for our future family and for myself. and i can do it. and the only way i know i can is because of the Gospel. because i know that i am never alone. He is on my right hand and on my left, His spirit is in my heart and His angels are all around me. 

i hope that my honesty can help someone else and that you wont think less of me because of these things that i have shared. i am grateful to those of you who continue to bless my life and strengthen me. to know that i have the love and support from so many people near and far means more to me than you will ever know. thank you for being my angels.