happiness and gratitude in 2014

 2014 is a new year with new challenges and new excitement. i never really got around to setting new years resolutions this year, i feel like i always kind of lose the momentum with those. but, i am continually trying to improve and become a better me. mostly, i just want to be happy and help those around me to be happy. you know, leave the place better than the way you found it. i'm working on it.

quite often, i find myself in review of my life. it's like as of late, i have had this inclination to look back on the history of my marriage and think about all the ups and downs. and usually, i just end up feeling really grateful for all the amazing memories we have made together and the even more amazing people we have gotten to know. you know that feeling where you just feel an immense burst of gratitude in your heart for everything Heavenly Father has blessed you with? i have been feeling that more frequently these days. maybe it's because i know that soon, everything will be different and it wont just be tyler and i anymore. but maybe, it's because of this little miracle swirling around in my torso that i am able to realize all this.

now, this is not to say that life is perfect. we still have our bad days, but i feel closer to my husband than ever before. i feel his love for me in most everything he does and i hope he feels the same about me... even though i take up a lot more room on the bed with my side sleeping and pillow snuggling.

i just feel really happy and extremely grateful for the life i am living. for the people who love us. for the support and love we feel from Heaven as well as those here on earth. i just feel the blessings and i know it is because of my Heavenly Father. i know he sends certain people into our lives to lift us up. i know there are certain talks or conversations i was meant to hear. i know that hard work brings reward and it doesn't always happen right away. i know that while trudging through the muck it is SO hard to see the goodness, the light, the happiness. but i also know that the struggles we face are for our good, that we become stronger, happier, better people because of them. and when the struggle is over, and we stand on top of the mountain we just had to climb and look at the amazing view on the other side, we can be overcome with happiness and gratitude for the blessings that lie ahead.

that's kind of how i feel. there were things i needed to experience to prepare me for the view i am looking at now. would i trade the struggle i've experienced for the beauty and splendor i am looking at right now?

never. ever. EVER.

every time tyler gets a good grade on an exam. every time i feel my baby kick me. when i spend time with loved ones. when i smell the beautiful clean air after the rain. when i feel the Spirit testifying to me. when i imagine the day that we will meet our son. i wouldn't trade anything to rewind time and not face the struggles i did this past year. i learned so much. i would never want to take that away. i was blind, but now i see.

so, if you are setting out on what seems like a long road of mud and muck, just remember that the view from the other side is miraculous and so completely worth it. even though it doesn't seem so now, it is. i promise it is worth it.

so here's to a year filled with happiness and gratitude, for me and for others.

p.s. tyler felt the baby kick last week for the first time. it was pure magic...
tell me that's not worth it?

22 week bump

angels

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

-Doctrine and Covenants 84:88

i want you to know that this is a hard post for me to write. 

i am going to be honest. tell you something that i have been struggling with. tell you some things that are very personal. tell you something that has been weighing heavily on my heart. 

i struggle with anxiety. 

there. i said it. 

when i say anxiety i don't mean the kind of anxiety you get before getting up to talk in church. not the kind where you have butterflies and sweaty palms. i have experienced the normal anxiety that everyone else has many times throughout my life. before exams. before public speaking. but never in my life have i experienced anxiety like i have over the past month and a half. 

i have anxiety induced by change. and guess what? change and i are not good friends. turns out i kind of hate it. i thrive on routine, normalcy and familiarity. needless to say the changes that have occurred in my life over the past 2 months have rocked my world and made me extremely uncomfortable. 

each day is a struggle for me. there have been days that i feel fine and normal. other days i have to fight off the anxiousness every. single. minute. i have to slow my breathing down so i can try to get back to sleep. i try to think happy thoughts. i fight to kick the negativity out of my brain. i try not to throw up when i brush my teeth because the anxiety makes me so nauseous. some days i want to give up. some days i just want to turn around and run back to what i have always known. the streets where i grew up. the college i attended. the smell of the air. the parks, the beaches, the restaurants. i miss it all. but mostly i miss that which is irreplaceable. 

the people i love SO dearly. 

my family members or our dear dear friends. you cannot, nor will you ever be replaced. 

but i wont let anxiety beat me. i cannot give up.

 my life, my marriage and our future depend on it. 

because of this trial i have had my eyes opened to so many blessings. my testimony of the atonement has never been stronger. i have a greater capacity to love others. to let go of past hurt and move forward. i have had numerous times where i was strengthened by the kind strangers around me. women in my ward at church who took time to say a few kind words. visits from friends. my relief society president taking the time to wrap her arms around me and cry with me. family members spending hours on face time with me just so that i didn't feel so alone. priesthood blessings from my husband and our dear bishop. a call from a kind stake president who truly cares about me. an encouraging word, text or phone call from tyler. a phone call or text from a loved one that was just what i needed. new neighbors right across from us who just so happen to be distant friends from california. a family fast for me and my well being and the prayers of so many. and today, a surprise visit from my parents. who came to town to run some errands for my dad's job. mom decided to tag along so she could spend the day with me.

 i know now, more than ever, that my Heavenly Father knows me. and i know that he is with me. he answers my prayers. he knows what i need and when i need it. he has put angels in my path that have blessed my life more than they may ever realize. my gratitude toward these amazing people cannot adequately be expressed. 

and at this moment my heart feels like it's about to burst. 

"And whoso receiveth you, there I will be also, for I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up."

i know that this scripture is true. in times of trial the love of God and our Savior can be felt more than at any other time. although this has been the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with in my life, i know that i will be stronger, i know that i will have greater knowledge, i know that i will be closer to my Heavenly Father and my Savior because of it. i wish i could tell you that when i wake up tomorrow i wont be nauseous and anxious. i wish i could know that this trial was going to be over soon and that all of a sudden my life would magically feel normal again. things are different. things cannot be the same as they were before. 

i have to move on and become what He wants me to be. 

for my husband, for our future family and for myself. and i can do it. and the only way i know i can is because of the Gospel. because i know that i am never alone. He is on my right hand and on my left, His spirit is in my heart and His angels are all around me. 

i hope that my honesty can help someone else and that you wont think less of me because of these things that i have shared. i am grateful to those of you who continue to bless my life and strengthen me. to know that i have the love and support from so many people near and far means more to me than you will ever know. thank you for being my angels. 

my heavy heart

today i have many things that weigh heavy on my heart.

sometimes something happens and it makes you stop dead in your tracks. sometimes life lets you down, or maybe it lets someone you love down. the many tragedies that happened last week. the phone call from a friend that made my heart fall into my stomach and wish there was a way i could take all the bad stuff away. the risk of my father's business having to close it's doors because of an ex-partner with a vendetta. these things are real. they come without warning. without a plan. you never see them coming. but what do you do to recover?

i'm still trying to figure that out.

it's hard to know that someone is suffering and that you can't take it away. all you can do is pray. hope. and love them through their trial. all the while trying not to be angry at the cause of it all. it's all out of our control anyway. which seems like a good thing and a bad thing all at the same time. but suffer we must, that is what makes us stronger. and somehow, when it seems like all is lost and you are the weakest you have ever been, you can feel the love of God more than ever before. life is funny like that. without sorrow, we would not know the sweet feeling of joy. we are broken down and given the opportunity to build ourselves back up again. but hopefully this time, we are better than we were before.

this morning as i put in that mixed cd, i had no recollection of what songs i had compiled all those years ago. i'm just so glad that it was tom petty that came through my speakers. as soon as i heard the strum of that guitar i was off in another place. i wasn't on my way to work. i was thinking about a very special friend of mine and her family. thinking about how much i love her and how grateful i am for her in my life. wishing i had a magic wand & could make people, heartaches or ailments disappear.

 thinking about how much i'd like to leave the cares of this world for a while.