the last month & an introduction

monday, may 5th: i am 35 1/2 weeks. my doctor checks me and my cervix is intact. not dilated and not effaced. the ultrasound reveals that the baby's estimated weight is 7 pounds and his head diameter is 9 1/2 centimeters. i still have a month to go before his due date. like we thought, all signs point to the fact that he's going to be a big baby.

monday, may 12th: i go to my 37 week appointment and my doctor doesn't check me. not sure if i'm dilated or effaced at all. i don't gain any weight. his heartbeat is strong.

wednesday, may 21st: we go to my 38 week appointment. my doctor checks me and i am dilated 2 centimeters and 50% effaced. i lost 2 pounds. his heart rate is good. stoked that my body is getting ready!

wednesday, may 28th: we go to my 39 week appointment. my doctor checks me and i am dilated 3 centimeters and the ultrasound reveals that the baby's estimated weight is 9 pounds 10 ounces. my doctor tells me that if i really want a c-section that the baby's size would allow for it. she also said that as she's checked me, she doesn't feel like it would be impossible for me to vaginally deliver a big baby. i have some anxiety about the fact that she even mentioned a c-section, but also feel hopeful about the fact that i am dilated to 3 centimeters, i passed my mucus plug on saturday and that she feels like i could deliver vaginally. my body is preparing to do what it needs to in order to deliver a baby vaginally. i just hope it continues to do so. even if i have to have a c-section in the end, i at least want to try for a vaginal birth. we schedule another appointment for my due date, thursday, june 5th. doctor says she'll induce me on the 7th if i haven't had the baby by then. now, we begin to pray for him to come early.

friday, may 30th: no baby yet. i am getting anxious and slightly bored. i've done the laundry, cleaned the baby's bedroom, the bathroom and our room. made my returns and ran all my errands. our bags are packed and the camera is charged. i am ready. but when is HE going to be ready? i've felt a few contractions here and there over the past few days, but nothing consistent. i'm hoping contractions start or that my water breaks. i want to meet my baby! i start reading different birth stories online. some scare me, some get me really excited. one of the birth stories talks about using clary sage essential oil to induce labor, i just so happened to purchase this oil a couple weeks ago. i mix a few drops with coconut oil and rub it on my belly and the bottom of my feet. nothing happens.

monday, june 2nd: still no baby. everyone, especially me, is just waiting for something to happen. i get text messages from friends and family asking about my status. sadly, i have nothing new to tell them. my doctor is on call tomorrow, i not so secretly hope that i go into labor tonight so that she can deliver me tomorrow! the frame of mind that i am in is so different than anything else i've experienced. i am glad to know that i will have the baby by saturday, but i was SO hoping that he would come early because of his size. for now, i am just trying to relax, but that is kind of hard to do when you are waiting for the most important day of your life to come and you really aren't sure what day it will be! so i will keep waiting. after all, i have waited years for this child. prayed for him. suffered for him. and been blessed because of him. i will keep waiting. because soon, i will meet this child who came right fresh from heaven and i will never be the same. and that suits me just fine.

wednesday, june 4th: we wake up at about 9 am. i check my phone. my good friend wendy, who is also our birth photographer texts me to check in . i tell her nothing is happening and we both hope that it happens soon. she is scheduled to go out of town thursday through sunday so she'd miss my induction day on saturday. about an hour later my contractions start and we leave for the hospital an hour later...


i would like to introduce you to the newest member of our family...

rockwell brady rex
born wednesday, june fourth
10:02 pm
10 pounds 4 ounces
22 1/2 inches long

we are SO in love!

we have never been so tired, but we have never felt so much joy. we feel very blessed. i'll get to posting the whole birth story, with more beautiful photos by my dear friend wendy when i get another free moment. i've got a cute baby boy to snuggle.

10 days

my due date is ten days away. ten days. i have no idea when or if i will go into labor. when or if my water will break. for now, we wait. wait for the arrival of our son. the fear of the unknown is lingering, but there is also a strong excitement lingering as well. at any moment we could be off to the hospital. off to endure whatever necessary to bring my baby boy into the world. it's so crazy to me how fast this has gone by. for 9 months we've measured our lives in terms of my pregnancy, with nothing planned past june 5th. it seems strange that it is already so close to being over! soon i will no longer feel his hiccups inside of my belly, i'll hear them as i hold him in my arms. i won't feel him suddenly move to one side of my stomach as he stretches, i'll be able to hold him, watch him, kiss him, smell him. i am thrilled. thrilled to look into the eyes of my son and see him look back at me. mine forever and ever.

35 week ultrasound

our 35 week ultrasound revealed that baby boy is weighing in at 7 pounds, with a head diameter of 9.5 centimeters and 81st percentile for growth. pretty big baby if all of that information is accurate. when i was born i weighed 10 lbs 6 oz and my mom's smallest baby was 8 something. tyler was over 9 pounds and his moms smallest baby was 8 something. i never figured it was in the cards for us to have a small child, but the reality of pushing out a 9 pound baby is closing in. and let me tell you, it is a little intimidating!

this ultrasound was something special though. now, he looks like a little person in there. the technician showed us that he has a lot of hair, which i love. she confirmed that he is in fact a he. and we got to look right at him. he is head down now, so a profile shot was hard to get, but he was facing my left hip and it was like he knew he was looking right at the camera! we saw him blink his little eyes and open his mouth and stick his tongue out. i was totally crying. that is my baby in there! he is already so so so precious and i cannot wait to kiss and snuggle him!

like i've said before, i am kind of sad that it's almost over. the ability to feel my baby move inside of me and take him with me everywhere i go is such an indescribable miracle. on may 31st it will be a year since my miscarriage. if you had told me on that sad day, that a year from now i would be so close to having a baby, i might not have believed you. i feel so blessed to have life growing inside of me, the ability to do so and i know it is a blessing straight from heaven.

now, i am at 37 weeks and the next few weeks are a waiting game. i'm like a ticking time bomb, no one knows when i'll blow! i have appointments every week and one final ultrasound scheduled for may 28th to check on baby's size. so many people have had their babies early as of late so i am trying to get everything ready just in case he decides to show up early. if he really is as big as they think he is, i wonder if he'll break my water. but really, who knows?! i just have to be ready. for now i try to be productive everyday, get prepared so i don't freak out and enjoy my freedom with tyler.

soon, the day will come for us to meet our son. i cannot tell you how thrilled we are. i have this image in my mind of tyler standing next to me, holding our son. i cannot wait for it to be real.

baby's profile

his cute chubby little hand

if you tilt your head to the side, you can see him looking at you!

30 weeks and maternity portraits

wow, 30 weeks (on March 27th) ... the countdown to 40 weeks begins. i cannot believe just how fast this pregnancy is flying by! soon our son will be here with us and we couldn't be more thrilled about it! my heart is so full when i think about what a blessing this whole experience has been. i am kind of sad that it's almost over. i have loved being pregnant, although it comes with a price, i have loved it. despite the heartburn, the swollen feet and hands, the peeing every hour or two at night, stretch marks or the discomfort when trying to bend over, roll over or get into a car, this really is a magical experience. seriously. i wouldn't trade all the annoying stuff for feeling my boy move around inside my belly. or to have tyler's hand on my belly as our boy shows dad his awesome dance moves. or to have people greet me in such a kind and loving way, like they know that there is something special going on inside of me. i am a sacred vessel, a partner with god in creating a miracle. that is real. that is worth it all.

lately i have been trying to get things in order for baby boys arrival. organizing, cleaning and getting his room set up. it's been really fun and i am so excited to have him here with us. to complete our family. to bring another fun personality into our little pair. we have been just us for 6 1/2 years now so it seems weird that there will be another person in our family, but it also feels right. i am so excited for our adventures as a family!

i've also been wondering what kind of personality this kid is going to have. i took a prenatal yoga class and the teacher recommended we make a list of all the qualities we want our baby to have, like this connection that i have with him right now will make it so that he will somehow absorb my hopes for him. i think it's a beautiful sentiment, so i thought i would jot down a few things. i hope he is funny! i hope he is kind, loving and tender, but that he also knows how to stick up for himself and stand for truth. i hope he is strong physically so that he can keep up with his jock of a dad and take care of others. i hope he is sweet like his father, and that he lights up when he smiles just like tyler does. i hope he has passion for good things and that he enjoys being social and being outside. i hope he has my eye color and my hair/hair line, but tyler's eye shape. of course i hope he is cute, and has really kissable cheeks! honestly, if he looks just like his dad i will have no qualms about it. and i suppose right now, most of all, i hope he is a good eater & sleeper, just like his mama.

so i leave you with these thoughts and these wonderful photos our friend megan guererro took for us. i will cherish these photos for as long as i live. this whole pregnant thing isn't a walk in the park, but i sure do love it. but i think that's just like everything else in life that's worth doing. it's hard, but it's SO worth it.

a baby shower!

my friends from my ward threw me a super cute baby shower last week. the decorations were super colorful and fun, the food was good and the company was outstanding. i really felt the love. i got a ton of cute and useful things for baby boy and cannot wait to have him here so we can use it all! thank you to everyone who made the evening special, we love you!

28 weeks

some days it feels like i have been pregnant forever. other days i feel like this time is flying by much to fast. i am healthy and i feel very blessed to have the ability to grow a human inside of my body.

the most frequent question i get from people is "how are you feeling?" and normally i tell them that sleeping is getting a little trickier with bathroom trips every hour or two. some nights i can make it three hours and it's pretty gratifying, but i feel like it's just god's way of preparing me for when little mister arrives. i'll tell them that my hands and feet are swollen, but it's manageable. and then there's the wake-me-from-my-sleep-heartburn, but thank goodness for zantac 75!

but then every morning i wake up, take my trip to the bathroom and lay back down to check my emails, facebook and instagram. after a minute or two little boy decides to wake up and do his morning stretch. i feel him move as we wake up together. it's kind of my favorite part of the day. we are buddies and i can't wait to see his perfect little face and kiss his cheeks.

so even though this whole pregnancy thing isn't as easy as i thought it would be, i am very grateful for the opportunity to bear a child, a privilege a lot of people don't get in this life. so i try to just laugh about all the silly and weird things that are happening to my body and just soak in this time where i have my son all to myself.

happiness and gratitude in 2014

 2014 is a new year with new challenges and new excitement. i never really got around to setting new years resolutions this year, i feel like i always kind of lose the momentum with those. but, i am continually trying to improve and become a better me. mostly, i just want to be happy and help those around me to be happy. you know, leave the place better than the way you found it. i'm working on it.

quite often, i find myself in review of my life. it's like as of late, i have had this inclination to look back on the history of my marriage and think about all the ups and downs. and usually, i just end up feeling really grateful for all the amazing memories we have made together and the even more amazing people we have gotten to know. you know that feeling where you just feel an immense burst of gratitude in your heart for everything Heavenly Father has blessed you with? i have been feeling that more frequently these days. maybe it's because i know that soon, everything will be different and it wont just be tyler and i anymore. but maybe, it's because of this little miracle swirling around in my torso that i am able to realize all this.

now, this is not to say that life is perfect. we still have our bad days, but i feel closer to my husband than ever before. i feel his love for me in most everything he does and i hope he feels the same about me... even though i take up a lot more room on the bed with my side sleeping and pillow snuggling.

i just feel really happy and extremely grateful for the life i am living. for the people who love us. for the support and love we feel from Heaven as well as those here on earth. i just feel the blessings and i know it is because of my Heavenly Father. i know he sends certain people into our lives to lift us up. i know there are certain talks or conversations i was meant to hear. i know that hard work brings reward and it doesn't always happen right away. i know that while trudging through the muck it is SO hard to see the goodness, the light, the happiness. but i also know that the struggles we face are for our good, that we become stronger, happier, better people because of them. and when the struggle is over, and we stand on top of the mountain we just had to climb and look at the amazing view on the other side, we can be overcome with happiness and gratitude for the blessings that lie ahead.

that's kind of how i feel. there were things i needed to experience to prepare me for the view i am looking at now. would i trade the struggle i've experienced for the beauty and splendor i am looking at right now?

never. ever. EVER.

every time tyler gets a good grade on an exam. every time i feel my baby kick me. when i spend time with loved ones. when i smell the beautiful clean air after the rain. when i feel the Spirit testifying to me. when i imagine the day that we will meet our son. i wouldn't trade anything to rewind time and not face the struggles i did this past year. i learned so much. i would never want to take that away. i was blind, but now i see.

so, if you are setting out on what seems like a long road of mud and muck, just remember that the view from the other side is miraculous and so completely worth it. even though it doesn't seem so now, it is. i promise it is worth it.

so here's to a year filled with happiness and gratitude, for me and for others.

p.s. tyler felt the baby kick last week for the first time. it was pure magic...
tell me that's not worth it?

22 week bump

reality is setting in

tonight we attended the childbirth center open house at the hospital i'll be delivering at. it was awesome. a nurse ran the whole thing and told us a bunch of great information about labor, tips on what to bring to the hospital, delivery and the recovery process. tyler and i were there together, along with many other couples, listening intently to every word.

then it hit me.

the tears came to my eyes and the magnitude of what is coming very soon struck me so strongly.

she spoke about what happens after the baby is born. they place a blanket/towel on mommy's stomach and as soon as the baby comes out they lay him down and wipe him off. this helps to stimulate breathing. for the parents, it gives us time to count his fingers and toes and in my case, stare in complete amazement at this tiny human that our love has created. she then told us how they take the baby when the time comes for the placenta to come out. this way they can weigh and measure him and check all his vitals. after this, it is babymoon time. they lay the diapered baby on mommy's chest so to mimic being in the uterus. he can feel your warmth and hear your heart beating. he knows your smell. dad is there helping you hold onto the baby. she added that most times, when the dad starts to talk, the baby will turn to look for him. they look for him because they know his voice. he knows us.

i totally almost lost it. i teared up and smiled. when i looked over at tyler he was smiling ear to ear. it was such a sweet moment. as we both realized how amazing it will be to meet our son and that he will know us, just like we know him.

hearing her talk about labor, epidurals, the possibility of a c-section, etc. was of course a little scary, but hearing about the part when all that is over and we get to meet our baby boy, just makes all that other stuff seem a little less scary and totally worth it.

we had our 20 week ultrasound back on january 16th and little boy was stubborn, the only good picture we got was of his little man parts. we also got a call this week from the doctor letting me know the baby was measuring fine, but they saw a little bit of previa, meaning that my placenta is sitting on top of my cervix. they aren't too worried about it because often times as the baby grows, the placenta just moves out of the way, but they are going to do another ultrasound at my next appointment in a couple weeks. so hopefully we will get to see his cute little face a little better this time around and everything will be growing appropriately.

for now, i will stare at these photos of him at 16 weeks when we found out the gender and wait to feel him kicking around. he is so cute. i love him so much already. i am thrilled to meet him in just about 4 months. i feel like this is all going by so quickly.

son, we love you and are so happy you are coming to our family!

21 week bump

i think i always knew

today i decided to stop by our storage unit and put away our christmas decorations. while i was there i thought i'd grab the box of baby stuff i've been saving for the past few years. i got home, opened the box and pulled out outfit after outfit, realizing that all but two were for a boy. maybe i always knew i'd have a boy first. i cannot wait to put our sweet little boy in these clothes!!!

then today i stopped by gap maternity and came up empty handed, so i walked into baby gap and found SO many cute things on sale. i picked up these little gems and i love them! these are the first things i've bought since i found out the gender, hopefully i can withstand the temptation until after our baby showers!

in other news, i started feeling the baby kick last week! everyday i wait for him to move around. it's just flutters, like someone gently tapping my belly from the inside. it is seriously magical.

i love it!

18 week bump

16 weeks and a gender

4 months! 16 weeks.

come june i will be outnumbered, we are having a baby boy!

we decided to find out the gender of our baby before our 20 week doctor's appointment. i wanted us to have that moment together, just us. for me, it will be forever engraved on my heart. the first ultrasound was special, but this one was different. we could see his profile, he was moving his little legs and feet, he was moving his arms and he even looked up at us so we could look into his face. i started to tear up. i was amazed. now, he isn't a blob in there, he is a little person! he is MY little person. OUR little person. it's this experience and i'm sure many more to come, that help me realize just how much of a miracle this whole thing really is. i am so grateful and we are both SO excited.

we told our families and friends later that day and have already received a few gifts! to know the gender  makes everything so real. i also feel like time is moving so fast, while also occasionally feeling like it is standing still. before i know it he will be here and we will be parents! of course i have worries about how our life will change once he is here, but i know that we will love each other even more. and i never mind a third wheel on a date with tyler, especially a snuggly little baby!

all in all, we are SO excited for this baby to be progressing and growing. being pregnant is definitely harder on my body than i thought it would be, but every time i feel discouraged i imagine the day i get to look my baby in the face. i wonder what he will look like, what he will be like and how amazing that first meet will be. at the end of each day, my swollen feet are sore and tired and i feel self conscious about my body, but this is temporary, and when this time is over, i will be holding my little baby boy. it is all worth it. it is all for him.

baby boy, we love you so much already, your dad and i cannot wait to meet you and watch you grow up. thanks for coming to our family!

the bump at 16 weeks