Saturday, October 5, 2013

on my heart: some thoughts about parenting

just a few more days until i head to utah and then rexburg to visit family and friends. i am super excited to see this cutie and my nephews! this is a photo of her when she turned two back in august. that girl is so spunky and hilarious. don't get me wrong, i love my nieces and nephews on the rex side, but there is some sort of connection that i have with brylee that i just don't know how to describe. i think it was because kimberly and i became so close while she was pregnant or maybe because i was able to photograph her birth story and feel the tangible love fill the room when she was born. it was as if heaven existed in the room, for just a moment.

sometimes i think about becoming a mother and i feel an overwhelming joy and peace come over me. other times i feel a bit nervous for the future of carrying a child to term, staying healthy and delivering a healthy baby, raising a family and providing for them temporally and spiritually. there is so much that goes into being a parent and sometimes that scares me. but then i think about brylee. i think about the day she was born, how we all waited for her and prayed for her to be healthy and strong when she came to earth. i think about embracing my brother in law as we both cried in awe of how perfect she was. it was love at first sight. we knew she was special as soon as we saw her. i didn't know that i would feel so attached to her, but i did. i would visit her and my sister all the time. it was so fun to watch my sister and her husband become parents and to help them when brylee came.

since that day 2 years ago i have grown to love brylee even more. she has taught me so much about love. i love her so much that i could just play with her all day. hearing her call my name "eh-my" through the house just melts my heart. i never knew that could happen, to feel this crazy overwhelming love for another human being just because they say your name. i love that girl so much i would change her poopy diapers over and over and over again. watching her giggle, smile and learn is so rewarding and as an aunt i just get a tiny piece of it. seeing what i see and feeling the love i do, i can't even imagine how it feels as a parent. it must feel like you could burst at any moment.

but things about caring for a child aren't often very glamorous. sometimes i see these mommy bloggers and think that they make things seems so perfect all the time. parents and children dressed like they stepped out of a gap commercial, their nurseries decorated like a catalog and their husbands supportive and happy all the time. but that isn't reality! life it tough sometimes. with the sweet comes the bitter. sometimes there are blow out diapers and puke stains that come with the beautiful moments in life. but i wouldn't trade a poopy diaper if it meant one less smile or laugh. i wouldn't trade a whine or a tantrum for the sound of my name echoing through the hallways.

i know i have such a small glimpse of what it is to care for a child. my body has never given birth to, breastfed or watched over a child. but i know what i know and from my view the sacrifices, whether they be fashion, body fat percentage, money, time or sleep in no way amount to the joys of becoming a parent. so when you are nervous about being a first, second or fourth time mother, just remember that heaven that you feel when a baby is born. remember how your heart feels like it's going to burst when that baby says your name. remember how your world seems right somehow when those chubby hands wrap their hands around your neck.

for me, when the time comes, i will do my best to remember that no matter how many hard moments there are... all the precious ones are worth it.

they are all worth it. 


kate said...

Yep, harder and better than I ever expected. And we're only 1 year in. You're gonna be a great mom.

Ashley and Blake said...

That was perfect for me today! I agree with you completely. I'm in that sleep deprived, boobs hurt, how do I deal with two phase? But I wouldn't trade it for anything. You are going to be a great mom and brylee is lucky to have you too!