it's been a while

after a 3 month hiatus i feel the sudden urge to return to this blog. return to this place where i have shared so much. the one place i can record my joys, my pains, my adventures, my struggles. this year has been a doozy. i feel like every time i start to make progress life decides to knock me down again. so much has happened the past few months. so many things weigh heavenly on my heart. so many things.

after much thought, in june, tyler and i decided to move back to california.

we prayed and fasted and realized what we wanted our future to be and where we wanted to be. while he could enjoy living away from family, friends and familiarity permanently, i wasn't comfortable with it long term. he also wanted to do what he was passionate about for a living. he wanted to make a difference in people's lives. we decided to move back to california, live with my parents and save money for a home while tyler attended school. he is getting his masters in education and a teaching credential. he will teach high school and also coach, something i always knew he would be wonderful at. we made plans, talked and talked. prayed and prayed. everything fell into place for us to move back. i found a job, we found renters to take over our lease just days before we left las vegas. and numerous other blessings along the way. it was undeniable. God led us down the path that we were meant to be upon. i knew it and so did He.

since being back, things have been great in a lot of ways. we are getting along with my family. this is huge. living in the same house as my family was not always easy for me growing up. granted, i am not sharing my room with 2 sisters anymore. we love living where we live. we have hiking trails close by, our ward is great and we have our family and friends close. it has been good in so many ways. it has also been hard in some ways. finding a balance between time with tyler and time with our family is tricky sometimes, but we are getting the hang of it. dealing with different ways of doing things around the house. sharing a bathroom with not just tyler, but also my 18 year old brother.

the toughest thing is that my anxiety came back when i started my job. worse than it has in a long time. i made the decision to leave the job and focus on my health and decide what i really wanted. it was hard for me to leave a job that provided great benefits and good pay, but it wasn't right for me anymore. there were many things about the company that were positive, but at the end of the day the job i would be doing everyday was just not for me. since then, things have been tough for us. me working and saving money was a large part of our plan for the next year. why, if this was the right plan for us, was it not working out the way it was supposed to?

i'm still trying to figure it out. i am making positive changes in my life and i feel such a difference. everyday i pray and study and seek guidance. the temple has been a great blessing for me. i have been trying to go every week and have received peace and comfort as i serve there. i have also received great strength from attending my sunday meetings and talking with my leaders. my anxiety has nearly disappeared. occasionally i will get small rush of worry, but it never lasts long. i know it is cliche, but i believe with all of my heart and soul, without the gospel of Jesus Christ i would be truly lost. even though i have a lot of questions that have yet to be answered, i know that i am loved. i know that i have a Father in Heaven who loves me and hears me. someone is listening when i pray. i know it.

i read an article from the Ensign tonight. it said "many of life's most important lessons are learned from the trials and challenges we experience." although the challenges we all face may be hard to swallow, knowing that we are learning important lessons brings me great comfort. i know that Heavenly Father wants me to grow, to change, to become better than i was before.

i think about my miscarriage nearly every day. i think about it when my friends and family announce their pregnancies. i think about it when i see a family together. i think about it when i see a pregnant woman almost anywhere i go. i think about it when i hold a sweet child in my arms, hear them laugh or make a new discovery. never before have i known the sorrow that i have felt over the past couple months. never before have i wanted a family more than i do at this moment. i yearn for it. i want nothing more. i didn't know that it could be so difficult. i didn't know why things were happening the way they were. why hasn't my life turned out the way i always dreamed it would when i want what's right? then i read the following words...

President Thomas S. Monson has taught: “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”

He is with me through this storm of my life, just like He has been all along. He not only shares in my joys, but He shares in my sorrows. i am never alone. i am never forsaken. my Father and His Son are always by my side. they lead me to where i need to be. i may not understand why sorrowful experiences happen to me or the people i love, but i know this - we are never alone. we will overcome all things through Christ. i know it. i love it. sometimes, it is the only thing that keeps me going.

oh hello summer

summer is here and i am happy about it. i busted out the sandals and headed to newport beach with some family. my how i love the feeling of sand between my toes. the sound of the waves crashing. the sight of little foot prints all along the shore. i also don't mind a trip to seaside donuts. yum. 

spending time here in socal has been very healing for my soul. today i walked along the beach and thought about my life and our future. i feel so hopeful and excited. although these past days without tyler by my side have been difficult, it has been good for me to be here and think about me, who i am, and what i want for my life and what kind of person, wife and mother i want to be. i feel like i have made somewhat of a breakthrough... now i just have to keep it going. maybe falling down again has helped me to realize what i want to be when i get back up. realize what i am willing to sacrifice in order to have the life i so desire. how hard i need to work to live the way i want to live.

something a friend said recently has really stuck with me, i would rather struggle for money than struggle for my sanity and happiness... or something along those lines. i wholeheartedly agree. life isn't about how much money you have in your bank account. it's about being the best person you can be, about serving others, about being faithful to your beliefs, about finding joy in the journey. i am still climbing this mountain of mine and i know that my Father in Heaven wishes happiness for me in this life. i will continue to be faithful and to do everything i can to live the best and happiest life possible. i can't give up. for me, there is no other option than to keep moving forward and looking to the future with faith.

a pregnancy, a miscarriage

on friday, april 26th we found out that i was pregnant. 

on thursday, may 30th we found out that i was having a miscarriage. 

as i waited in his office i knew what the doctor would say as soon as he walked in. my baby was dead. i was supposed to be measuring at eight and a half weeks. i was only measuring at five and a half. the baby stopped developing and my uterus was preparing for miscarriage. the first words he uttered as he walked into his office were "i'm sorry". i sat and cried as i listened to him talk about grieving and recovering after a miscarriage. we talked about my options. i could wait for a spontaneous miscarriage. i could have a d&c. i cried. i thought about how bad my sister's miscarriage was. i thought about how hard it was for her to recover from the loss of a pregnancy. it was hard for all of us. and now here i sat. losing my baby. a baby i had wanted my whole life. a baby that just seemed like a dream until april 26th. it was real. it was alive. now it was dead.

he said we can try again in a couple months. somehow it just seems like such a long way away. in a couple months i would have been showing already. why did this happen? did i do something wrong? was it the wrong time? was i not ready to be a mother yet? these are the types of thoughts he warned me about. it was part of the grieving process. they let me walk out of the back exit. i called tyler as i cried in the parking lot. i drove home sobbing.

calling my family was such a difficult part of the whole experience. having to tell our loved ones what was happening just broke my heart. we were going to tell everyone we were pregnant on father's day, just two weeks away. i relived it with every phone call. but with the grief, i also felt such a strong love and support from each person.

tyler and i decided that i should have the procedure instead of waiting for it to happen on its own. on thursday night my mom drove to vegas to be with us. on friday morning i arrived at the hospital. as i changed into my hospital gown i noticed that i was already starting to bleed. i sat on a bed in the pre-op area. they took my vitals. they put in my iv. my mom and tyler sat next to my bed and held onto me. as the clocked ticked toward 7 am i got more and more afraid. i just sat there and cried as i watched doctors and nurses prepare for their day. they greeted each other with laughter and smiles. i sat and cried as i thought of what was about to happen to me. my doctor came to greet us. he apologized again. he reminded me of what he said the morning before in his office... "remember, you wont be fully recovered until you hold a baby in your arms". i cried. it was time to go the operating room. i kissed my husband and said goodbye to him and my mom. i cried even more. as they wheeled me down the hall i felt the chill of the air. i saw the medical equipment in the room where they would operate. they moved me onto the table. i stared up at the bright lights as people with doctor's masks put heart monitors on me. as they hooked up the arm rests to the table. i just cried and cried. i was so scared. i was so sad. all i could see of the medical staff was their eyes, their kind eyes. they told me it was okay to cry and that i was going to be okay. i just wanted it to be over. finally they administered the anesthesia and i felt my face go numb and then woke up in recovery thirty minutes later.

the nurse asked me if i was in pain. when i said yes she gave me some meds. i fell asleep again. a couple hours later i woke up, went to the bathroom and changed back into my clothes. the nurse gave me my post op instructions and wheeled me out to see tyler and my mom. as we drove home i remember tyler asking me a lot of questions. i remember just feeling like i wanted to fall asleep again. i wasn't in the mood to talk. i knew he was just trying to be nice and comforting. i didn't snap at him even though i felt like i wanted to. this must have been hard for him too. i wasn't the only one that lost something that day.

the rest of the day we took it easy, just rested and watched movies. on saturday i caravanned home with my mom to california so that tyler could focus on work and not have to worry about me all day. i miss him a lot, but i know that if i was at home alone all day long i would probably be thinking about all this much more. so it's been good to get my mind off of things and help my mom and stay busy here. i will also say that although this has been extremely difficult, tyler and i are both very hopeful and trying to stay positive. we are grateful that i could even get pregnant at all and that we can try again soon and most likely have success. we know that there are many others who have it much harder than us in trying to start their families and our hearts go out to them.

i guess this just all feels very surreal. there are times when i go hours without thinking about any of this, but then i have a quiet moment when sadness creeps in. my mind races thinking about when we will get pregnant again. i wonder if i will miscarry again. i wonder if my next pregnancy will end with me holding a perfectly healthy baby in my arms or if it will be another sad ending like this one. i think about tyler and how much he has had to deal with this year, with his new job, moving, his anxiety prone wife and now his recovering-from-a-miscarriage-wife. i want to be stronger for him. i want to be more of a help then a burden.

i think about the will of the Father and how challenging this year has been for me. i wonder when i will feel like myself again. when i will feel strong again. when i will feel whole again. i know that having faith in the Lord means having faith in His timing. and i have to believe that the time will come for tyler and i to be parents. that i will hold a baby in my arms. and when i hold that baby in my arms i will feel whole, i will feel like me and all the heartache will fade away. i have to believe it. i have to.

i know that i will be a mother someday. i know that tyler will be a father someday. and maybe someday is coming later than we anticipated. but it will come.

and oh what a sweet someday it will be.