our foreign friends

tyler's mission companion, his sister, her husband and her sister-in-law came to visit us in vegas all the way from france and greece! first off, they all had amazing accents. why couldn't i have been from some exotic place? i would be SO much cooler! we took them to grimaldi's for pizza, down to the strip and to the hoover damn the next morning before they headed to the grand canyon. they spent 3 weeks touring the united states and i am super jealous. they've seen more of my country in 3 weeks than i have in 26 years! i need to get on it! also, tyler and i have decided that we have to go to europe now. for reals.

knott's berry farm

dad did some signs for knott's berry farm and was invited to the opening of a new part of the park. he got some free tickets so we tagged along. it was nice to be with brylee, kim and my parents and walk around the park for the first time in years! thanks dad!

26 years old

i think i've gotten to the age where i have stopped caring about birthdays. for some reason i just didn't feel the need to make a fuss this year. but tyler and i went out for a nice dinner and it was good to just spend time together. maybe next year i'll be more excited to celebrate getting older!

happy father's day

it was really fun to be able to spend time with my dad and our families on father's day. my dad is one of the funniest guys i know and i am so grateful for him in my life. love you papa!

my first time

i finally ate off of a gourmet food truck this week! have you ever done it? when i worked for my dad's sign company we did quite a few vinyl truck wraps and i always wanted to try, i just never got around to it. then last time i was visiting california i noticed that they advertised for tuesday night food trucks at my old high school. this time we made the time for it and i am sure glad that we did. SO yummy!!! now i just want to try them all! 

joey and jill got married

joey and jill got married! we are so happy for them and so glad that we got to be there for them on their day! they were sealed in the los angeles temple and had their reception in la habra. they're reception was adorable... they did all the decorations themselves! and my sister in law julia did all the flowers. she is amazing!!! if you are in the market for some flowers for any event you need to call her. i get upset every time i think about how good she is and that she hadn't tapped into her floral design talents when we got married. i love her work!

oh hello summer

summer is here and i am happy about it. i busted out the sandals and headed to newport beach with some family. my how i love the feeling of sand between my toes. the sound of the waves crashing. the sight of little foot prints all along the shore. i also don't mind a trip to seaside donuts. yum. 

spending time here in socal has been very healing for my soul. today i walked along the beach and thought about my life and our future. i feel so hopeful and excited. although these past days without tyler by my side have been difficult, it has been good for me to be here and think about me, who i am, and what i want for my life and what kind of person, wife and mother i want to be. i feel like i have made somewhat of a breakthrough... now i just have to keep it going. maybe falling down again has helped me to realize what i want to be when i get back up. realize what i am willing to sacrifice in order to have the life i so desire. how hard i need to work to live the way i want to live.

something a friend said recently has really stuck with me, i would rather struggle for money than struggle for my sanity and happiness... or something along those lines. i wholeheartedly agree. life isn't about how much money you have in your bank account. it's about being the best person you can be, about serving others, about being faithful to your beliefs, about finding joy in the journey. i am still climbing this mountain of mine and i know that my Father in Heaven wishes happiness for me in this life. i will continue to be faithful and to do everything i can to live the best and happiest life possible. i can't give up. for me, there is no other option than to keep moving forward and looking to the future with faith.

jack's eagle court of honor

my brother jack has become an eagle scout! to celebrate we threw an eagle court of honor ceremony. it was really great to hear from jack's leaders about how he has grown over the past years. i am so proud of my brother and i love that he has such a good heart. congrats bro!

a pregnancy, a miscarriage

on friday, april 26th we found out that i was pregnant. 

on thursday, may 30th we found out that i was having a miscarriage. 

as i waited in his office i knew what the doctor would say as soon as he walked in. my baby was dead. i was supposed to be measuring at eight and a half weeks. i was only measuring at five and a half. the baby stopped developing and my uterus was preparing for miscarriage. the first words he uttered as he walked into his office were "i'm sorry". i sat and cried as i listened to him talk about grieving and recovering after a miscarriage. we talked about my options. i could wait for a spontaneous miscarriage. i could have a d&c. i cried. i thought about how bad my sister's miscarriage was. i thought about how hard it was for her to recover from the loss of a pregnancy. it was hard for all of us. and now here i sat. losing my baby. a baby i had wanted my whole life. a baby that just seemed like a dream until april 26th. it was real. it was alive. now it was dead.

he said we can try again in a couple months. somehow it just seems like such a long way away. in a couple months i would have been showing already. why did this happen? did i do something wrong? was it the wrong time? was i not ready to be a mother yet? these are the types of thoughts he warned me about. it was part of the grieving process. they let me walk out of the back exit. i called tyler as i cried in the parking lot. i drove home sobbing.

calling my family was such a difficult part of the whole experience. having to tell our loved ones what was happening just broke my heart. we were going to tell everyone we were pregnant on father's day, just two weeks away. i relived it with every phone call. but with the grief, i also felt such a strong love and support from each person.

tyler and i decided that i should have the procedure instead of waiting for it to happen on its own. on thursday night my mom drove to vegas to be with us. on friday morning i arrived at the hospital. as i changed into my hospital gown i noticed that i was already starting to bleed. i sat on a bed in the pre-op area. they took my vitals. they put in my iv. my mom and tyler sat next to my bed and held onto me. as the clocked ticked toward 7 am i got more and more afraid. i just sat there and cried as i watched doctors and nurses prepare for their day. they greeted each other with laughter and smiles. i sat and cried as i thought of what was about to happen to me. my doctor came to greet us. he apologized again. he reminded me of what he said the morning before in his office... "remember, you wont be fully recovered until you hold a baby in your arms". i cried. it was time to go the operating room. i kissed my husband and said goodbye to him and my mom. i cried even more. as they wheeled me down the hall i felt the chill of the air. i saw the medical equipment in the room where they would operate. they moved me onto the table. i stared up at the bright lights as people with doctor's masks put heart monitors on me. as they hooked up the arm rests to the table. i just cried and cried. i was so scared. i was so sad. all i could see of the medical staff was their eyes, their kind eyes. they told me it was okay to cry and that i was going to be okay. i just wanted it to be over. finally they administered the anesthesia and i felt my face go numb and then woke up in recovery thirty minutes later.

the nurse asked me if i was in pain. when i said yes she gave me some meds. i fell asleep again. a couple hours later i woke up, went to the bathroom and changed back into my clothes. the nurse gave me my post op instructions and wheeled me out to see tyler and my mom. as we drove home i remember tyler asking me a lot of questions. i remember just feeling like i wanted to fall asleep again. i wasn't in the mood to talk. i knew he was just trying to be nice and comforting. i didn't snap at him even though i felt like i wanted to. this must have been hard for him too. i wasn't the only one that lost something that day.

the rest of the day we took it easy, just rested and watched movies. on saturday i caravanned home with my mom to california so that tyler could focus on work and not have to worry about me all day. i miss him a lot, but i know that if i was at home alone all day long i would probably be thinking about all this much more. so it's been good to get my mind off of things and help my mom and stay busy here. i will also say that although this has been extremely difficult, tyler and i are both very hopeful and trying to stay positive. we are grateful that i could even get pregnant at all and that we can try again soon and most likely have success. we know that there are many others who have it much harder than us in trying to start their families and our hearts go out to them.

i guess this just all feels very surreal. there are times when i go hours without thinking about any of this, but then i have a quiet moment when sadness creeps in. my mind races thinking about when we will get pregnant again. i wonder if i will miscarry again. i wonder if my next pregnancy will end with me holding a perfectly healthy baby in my arms or if it will be another sad ending like this one. i think about tyler and how much he has had to deal with this year, with his new job, moving, his anxiety prone wife and now his recovering-from-a-miscarriage-wife. i want to be stronger for him. i want to be more of a help then a burden.

i think about the will of the Father and how challenging this year has been for me. i wonder when i will feel like myself again. when i will feel strong again. when i will feel whole again. i know that having faith in the Lord means having faith in His timing. and i have to believe that the time will come for tyler and i to be parents. that i will hold a baby in my arms. and when i hold that baby in my arms i will feel whole, i will feel like me and all the heartache will fade away. i have to believe it. i have to.

i know that i will be a mother someday. i know that tyler will be a father someday. and maybe someday is coming later than we anticipated. but it will come.

and oh what a sweet someday it will be. 

m&m world with the holland's

over memorial day weekend the holland's came to visit us in vegas for a night. we hung out, chatted and played with their cute little girls. the next day before the left we went to m&m world. it was super cute and of course i couldn't resist buying a ridiculously expensive bag of m&m's from that crazy wall. the colors were so pretty, i couldn't help myself!