sometimes when work is slow i sit in my office and daydream. sometimes a thought comes to me as i read a blog, read an article or see a photo. sometimes that thought turns into a daydream. a daydream where i am not here. not here behind this computer or in this office. where i am not stuck inside a building made of concrete and metal. maybe i am in a park, listening to children laugh. maybe i am reading a book while laying in a hammock. maybe i am sitting on a rocking chair watching my child sleep. maybe i am snuggling with tyler as the early morning sunlight seeps through the windows.
sometimes i feel a sudden gush of energy run through my body. a rush of excitement for what the future brings. sometimes i feel a piercing sadness and worry that the things i want for my life will never become a reality. sometimes i anxiously await the day when my life will change just a little bit more. when things will be different than they are now. maybe life wont be the way it's pictured in my daydreams. maybe the way it turns out will be even better than the daydreams. maybe, just maybe. sometimes i wish i wasn't allowed to make my own grown-up-real-life decisions. couldn't their be an alarm clock that goes off on my phone that alerts me whenever an important thing needs to be done?
"today you have to............. (fill in responsible adult rite of passage here)"
truth be told, being a grown up isn't really that fun sometimes. a lot of things have to be done. bills need to be paid. responsibilities need to be met. groceries need to be bought. meals need to be made. toilets need to be cleaned. and the list goes on and on. but what happens when you don't really feel like taking care of business? what happens when you wish you were the type of person who could ignore the dust collecting on the shelves or the lack of food in the refrigerator? i definitely feel that way sometimes, but that throw caution to the wind/ignore the mess type of person is just not me. i have to conquer my to-do list in order to feel that peace and calmness. the issue is, sometimes i am not in the mood to be "me" per say.
sometimes i feel like i am fighting an internal battle. consistently saying to myself, what the heck do you want amy? i feel like the last few months have been really difficult for me to be happy with what i have and where my life is right now. there have been a lot of things that have affected me. some good things too of course, don't get me wrong... i know i am blessed. i do have good things & wonderful people in my life. but i just feel kind of stuck. like i don't really know what i want to do. what i should do. what would be best for me in order to lift this fog. what would be right for both me and tyler.
i'm still searching for a resolution. still hoping for some more change. still trying to explore my life and my options until i find the right fit. for now i'll keep moving forward, i'll keep praying and i'll keep noticing the good things in my life. and i'll never stop trying to live my dreams.