Monday, July 16, 2012

still trying to figure myself out

 sometimes when work is slow i sit in my office and daydream. sometimes a thought comes to me as i read a blog, read an article or see a photo. sometimes that thought turns into a daydream. a daydream where i am not here. not here behind this computer or in this office. where i am not stuck inside a building made of concrete and metal. maybe i am in a park, listening to children laugh. maybe i am reading a book while laying in a hammock. maybe i am sitting on a rocking chair watching my child sleep. maybe i am snuggling with tyler as the early morning sunlight seeps through the windows. 

sometimes i feel a sudden gush of energy run through my body. a rush of excitement for what the future brings. sometimes i feel a piercing sadness and worry that the things i want for my life will never become a reality. sometimes i anxiously await the day when my life will change just a little bit more. when things will be different than they are now. maybe life wont be the way it's pictured in my daydreams. maybe the way it turns out will be even better than the daydreams. maybe, just maybe. sometimes i wish i wasn't allowed to make my own grown-up-real-life decisions. couldn't their be an alarm clock that goes off on my phone that alerts me whenever an important thing needs to be done?

"today you have to............. (fill in responsible adult rite of passage here)"

truth be told, being a grown up isn't really that fun sometimes. a lot of things have to be done. bills need to be paid. responsibilities need to be met. groceries need to be bought. meals need to be made. toilets need to be cleaned. and the list goes on and on. but what happens when you don't really feel like taking care of business? what happens when you wish you were the type of person who could ignore the dust collecting on the shelves or the lack of food in the refrigerator? i definitely feel that way sometimes, but that throw caution to the wind/ignore the mess type of person is just not me. i have to conquer my to-do list in order to feel that peace and calmness. the issue is, sometimes i am not in the mood to be "me" per say.

sometimes i feel like i am fighting an internal battle. consistently saying to myself, what the heck do you want amy? i feel like the last few months have been really difficult for me to be happy with what i have and where my life is right now. there have been a lot of things that have affected me. some good things too of course, don't get me wrong... i know i am blessed. i do have good things & wonderful people in my life. but i just feel kind of stuck. like i don't really know what i want to do. what i should do. what would be best for me in order to lift this fog. what would be right for both me and tyler.

i'm still searching for a resolution. still hoping for some more change. still trying to explore my life and my options until i find the right fit. for now i'll keep moving forward, i'll keep praying and i'll keep noticing the good things in my life. and i'll never stop trying to live my dreams.


Shalise said...

You put in to words so many of the thoughts and feelings I have had lately! Adam asked me a question last night as we were up at midnight getting a snack after figuring out bills, etc. He asked if I ever thought about how great it would be to be a grown up when I was a kid. Of course! Stay up late and have a midnight snack ;) But seriously, I wonder all the time if all of our dreams will come true. If all the things we are working so hard to achieve will really come to fruition. Thanks for making me aware I'm not the only one :)

cherise and Tristan said...

Amy, I feel for you so much. You echo what I feel and think often. I am almost 32 and I still wonder those same things. I wondered them at 18 and it seems like through every phase of life I find myself wondering all those same thoughts you so beautifully shared. I had to wait til I was 26 to get married those years were so hard wondering what to do with my life and how to be happy where I am. I now find the same thing as we struggle to have another child. What do I need to do with my life. I too don't want to make these grown up decisions. From my experience, these thoughts and times come and go. Without them, I don't think I would ponder my life so much and make those decisions that I needed to make. I too can't let go of the cleaning and chores etc. I am a planner and a doer and when I let go in a week I am going crazy,overwhelmed by all there is to do. Perhaps it is because we are such planners, doers, organizers that we contemplate life and what is in store for us more than others. Good luck with life's decisions. I am so glad you are happy and I know how grateful you are for all you have. I enjoy your bog so much Thank you for always pooring out your hear and putting a smile on my face.
Sorry this is so long. Cherise Terry