Thursday, October 30, 2014

my life in instagram: motherhood

"These words have been weighing heavily on my mind lately. With all the demands of life, I often feel like I am coming up short, as if I can never accomplish everything I want to. Making dinner, buying groceries, my church calling, showering, friends, family, cleaning, laundry, poopy diapers, more laundry, 4 am feedings, exercising, time with Tyler, time with Rockwell and time for myself... Something always falls by the wayside. I am realizing that I HAVE to set a new standard for myself. I cannot compare myself to other women who seem to have it all together while they and their children are looking fabulous and rested. So here I am, with no make up on (probably smelling like spit up) while my son nestles into my cheek with his drooly hands around my neck. This is my new life. This is my "glamorous". And I remind myself every single day that there is nothing more important than my sweet baby boy. There is no other chore or vacation or fancy outfit that will be more rewarding and joyful or more important in the eyes of God. I might not have time to do anything but tend to my boy And that's more than okay, it's what God gave me time for. #rockwellbradyrex"

i posted these thoughts along with this photo yesterday on instagram. i wanted to post this here, on my blog, so that i could remember it. my hope is to someday print this blog into books so that i can have a record of our lives. i especially want to remember days like these. i hope that in some small way i can help other mothers out there who are struggling as well. although i post a lot of positive things here, i want people to know that this life isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but that doesn't mean it isn't amazing. it truly is a blessing to be a mother and care for my son. but life is hard sometimes and i don't want to lie about it or hide it. 

i think sometimes we walk a fine line between being positive, but also being real without complaining about things too much. at least that's how i feel...

i want people to know that being a mother is wonderful, but it's not easy. there are things about motherhood that i didn't expect. like i didn't expect to have a child that HATES his car seat. or i didn't expect to be so affected by the lack of sleep. i didn't expect to have a child that wants to be entertained constantly. obviously some days i cannot just hold him and play with him all day long, but i need to make that more of a priority when he needs me. instead of being irritated that i couldn't cross more off of my to do list, i need to remember that no matter what i didn't get done, i kept my son alive, fed and as happy as i could. 

on the other hand,  i couldn't have anticipated the feeling of overwhelming heart bursting joy i would feel when rockwell smiled at me, looked into my eyes and then proceeded to hold my cheeks in his chubby baby hands for the first time. yah, that happened today after i changed his diaper and tears of happiness filled my eyes. it is tender moments like that that remind me that this is a divine calling and i need to remember that when things get hard. what if i wasn't paying attention to rockwell after that diaper change? if i hadn't looked down at him and smiled i never would have had that experience. i could have just grabbed him, plopped him down on his play mat and continued to "get things done", but i would have missed out. i am SO glad i took the time to play with him today. i am so glad that he loves me  and that he brings me more happiness than i ever thought possible, more joy than any other way i spend my time. 

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