Friday, August 6, 2010
Sometimes I feel left out. Sometimes friends just kind of distance themselves and there is no specific reason for it. It happens and people adjust and move on. I am probably just being paranoid about this, but I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I don't really know how to put it into words or explain it to the people that I want to explain it to. I thought I would spew my feelings here in hopes that my brain will be able to sort it all out as I type. Maybe I haven't told my friends how I feel because I am scared that they really don't want or need me in their lives anymore. Maybe they really have found people that are better friends to them than I ever was. Maybe they can get by without me and they don't feel the emptiness of the space I once filled. But I miss them. Maybe our lives are too different. Maybe the things I do or don't do offend them or make them uncomfortable. Because of my beliefs I don't participate in some things they do and maybe they are just trying not to make me feel uncomfortable by doing those things in my presence. But does that mean that they enjoy doing those things more than they enjoy spending their time with me? Do those new friends that have replaced me love them more than I do? Do they ever think about me? Do they wish I was there to hear that joke or share those memories? I feel like a piece of my body is missing. Like one of my limbs has fallen asleep or something and has never regained feeling. I think about them and I miss them and then I get sad. Maybe this is the way life will be... maybe I have been phased out and I have to adjust. But more than anything I don't want to be known as that girl they were friends with years ago. Life doesn't always go the way you want it to. You can't force people to be your friends. Because I love them more than words can describe I will let them choose whatever makes them happy. I just hope I am included in that happiness.