Saturday, November 21, 2009
It is 1 AM and I am wandering the house wearing Tyler's thermal. Tyler is on an overnight camp out with his cousin and I am here in the apartment wondering if I am going to be able to go to bed. I was really excited for tonight. I have known about it for a while now and I was totally pumped to have the apartment to myself. I was going to relax. Eat food that Tyler doesn't care for. Watch movies that Tyler doesn't like. Sleep in the middle of the bed. I ended up doing a few of those things and also cleaning and doing the laundry. It has actually been a really productive night... I even got in some errands and a work out. I feel good. Except I can't remember if there has ever been a night when I have had to sleep without Tyler. I thought I would like the independence, but it turns out that I have become accustomed to snuggling before bed and goodnight kisses. Funny how things change without your knowledge. While I was standing in the closet I took a deep breath of the thermal that I am wearing. Then a thought struck me. It smells like him. What would happen if the only thing I had left of Tyler was the memories, photos and the smell of his thermal. What happens when that comforting and familiar scent fades? I am really lucky. I think sometimes gratitude hits you at the most peculiar times. Maybe its the silence, the apartment, the hour, or the thermal that is bringing out these thoughts, but just think for a second. What if what you hold dear was torn away from you? It happens all the time to really good people. Really wonderful people suffer loss all the time. What would you do? How would you get from one day to the next? I don't think there is any correct answer, but I know that I am blessed because of a man named Tyler. I need to hold on to each day like my life depended on it. Mostly I just hope that when I lose someone I love I will be able to hold tight to my memories and remember every laugh, hug, kiss, smile, conversation, glance, touch and every single moment. Because eventually the scent will fade and you can no longer breathe them in simply by standing in their clothing wondering what to do next. So hold on tight.