it's been a while

after a 3 month hiatus i feel the sudden urge to return to this blog. return to this place where i have shared so much. the one place i can record my joys, my pains, my adventures, my struggles. this year has been a doozy. i feel like every time i start to make progress life decides to knock me down again. so much has happened the past few months. so many things weigh heavenly on my heart. so many things.

after much thought, in june, tyler and i decided to move back to california.

we prayed and fasted and realized what we wanted our future to be and where we wanted to be. while he could enjoy living away from family, friends and familiarity permanently, i wasn't comfortable with it long term. he also wanted to do what he was passionate about for a living. he wanted to make a difference in people's lives. we decided to move back to california, live with my parents and save money for a home while tyler attended school. he is getting his masters in education and a teaching credential. he will teach high school and also coach, something i always knew he would be wonderful at. we made plans, talked and talked. prayed and prayed. everything fell into place for us to move back. i found a job, we found renters to take over our lease just days before we left las vegas. and numerous other blessings along the way. it was undeniable. God led us down the path that we were meant to be upon. i knew it and so did He.

since being back, things have been great in a lot of ways. we are getting along with my family. this is huge. living in the same house as my family was not always easy for me growing up. granted, i am not sharing my room with 2 sisters anymore. we love living where we live. we have hiking trails close by, our ward is great and we have our family and friends close. it has been good in so many ways. it has also been hard in some ways. finding a balance between time with tyler and time with our family is tricky sometimes, but we are getting the hang of it. dealing with different ways of doing things around the house. sharing a bathroom with not just tyler, but also my 18 year old brother.

the toughest thing is that my anxiety came back when i started my job. worse than it has in a long time. i made the decision to leave the job and focus on my health and decide what i really wanted. it was hard for me to leave a job that provided great benefits and good pay, but it wasn't right for me anymore. there were many things about the company that were positive, but at the end of the day the job i would be doing everyday was just not for me. since then, things have been tough for us. me working and saving money was a large part of our plan for the next year. why, if this was the right plan for us, was it not working out the way it was supposed to?

i'm still trying to figure it out. i am making positive changes in my life and i feel such a difference. everyday i pray and study and seek guidance. the temple has been a great blessing for me. i have been trying to go every week and have received peace and comfort as i serve there. i have also received great strength from attending my sunday meetings and talking with my leaders. my anxiety has nearly disappeared. occasionally i will get small rush of worry, but it never lasts long. i know it is cliche, but i believe with all of my heart and soul, without the gospel of Jesus Christ i would be truly lost. even though i have a lot of questions that have yet to be answered, i know that i am loved. i know that i have a Father in Heaven who loves me and hears me. someone is listening when i pray. i know it.

i read an article from the Ensign tonight. it said "many of life's most important lessons are learned from the trials and challenges we experience." although the challenges we all face may be hard to swallow, knowing that we are learning important lessons brings me great comfort. i know that Heavenly Father wants me to grow, to change, to become better than i was before.

i think about my miscarriage nearly every day. i think about it when my friends and family announce their pregnancies. i think about it when i see a family together. i think about it when i see a pregnant woman almost anywhere i go. i think about it when i hold a sweet child in my arms, hear them laugh or make a new discovery. never before have i known the sorrow that i have felt over the past couple months. never before have i wanted a family more than i do at this moment. i yearn for it. i want nothing more. i didn't know that it could be so difficult. i didn't know why things were happening the way they were. why hasn't my life turned out the way i always dreamed it would when i want what's right? then i read the following words...

President Thomas S. Monson has taught: “At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes. … If you find yourself in such a situation, I plead with you to turn to our Heavenly Father in faith. He will lift you and guide you. He will not always take your afflictions from you, but He will comfort and lead you with love through whatever storm you face.”

He is with me through this storm of my life, just like He has been all along. He not only shares in my joys, but He shares in my sorrows. i am never alone. i am never forsaken. my Father and His Son are always by my side. they lead me to where i need to be. i may not understand why sorrowful experiences happen to me or the people i love, but i know this - we are never alone. we will overcome all things through Christ. i know it. i love it. sometimes, it is the only thing that keeps me going.