a pregnancy, a miscarriage

on friday, april 26th we found out that i was pregnant. 

on thursday, may 30th we found out that i was having a miscarriage. 

as i waited in his office i knew what the doctor would say as soon as he walked in. my baby was dead. i was supposed to be measuring at eight and a half weeks. i was only measuring at five and a half. the baby stopped developing and my uterus was preparing for miscarriage. the first words he uttered as he walked into his office were "i'm sorry". i sat and cried as i listened to him talk about grieving and recovering after a miscarriage. we talked about my options. i could wait for a spontaneous miscarriage. i could have a d&c. i cried. i thought about how bad my sister's miscarriage was. i thought about how hard it was for her to recover from the loss of a pregnancy. it was hard for all of us. and now here i sat. losing my baby. a baby i had wanted my whole life. a baby that just seemed like a dream until april 26th. it was real. it was alive. now it was dead.

he said we can try again in a couple months. somehow it just seems like such a long way away. in a couple months i would have been showing already. why did this happen? did i do something wrong? was it the wrong time? was i not ready to be a mother yet? these are the types of thoughts he warned me about. it was part of the grieving process. they let me walk out of the back exit. i called tyler as i cried in the parking lot. i drove home sobbing.

calling my family was such a difficult part of the whole experience. having to tell our loved ones what was happening just broke my heart. we were going to tell everyone we were pregnant on father's day, just two weeks away. i relived it with every phone call. but with the grief, i also felt such a strong love and support from each person.

tyler and i decided that i should have the procedure instead of waiting for it to happen on its own. on thursday night my mom drove to vegas to be with us. on friday morning i arrived at the hospital. as i changed into my hospital gown i noticed that i was already starting to bleed. i sat on a bed in the pre-op area. they took my vitals. they put in my iv. my mom and tyler sat next to my bed and held onto me. as the clocked ticked toward 7 am i got more and more afraid. i just sat there and cried as i watched doctors and nurses prepare for their day. they greeted each other with laughter and smiles. i sat and cried as i thought of what was about to happen to me. my doctor came to greet us. he apologized again. he reminded me of what he said the morning before in his office... "remember, you wont be fully recovered until you hold a baby in your arms". i cried. it was time to go the operating room. i kissed my husband and said goodbye to him and my mom. i cried even more. as they wheeled me down the hall i felt the chill of the air. i saw the medical equipment in the room where they would operate. they moved me onto the table. i stared up at the bright lights as people with doctor's masks put heart monitors on me. as they hooked up the arm rests to the table. i just cried and cried. i was so scared. i was so sad. all i could see of the medical staff was their eyes, their kind eyes. they told me it was okay to cry and that i was going to be okay. i just wanted it to be over. finally they administered the anesthesia and i felt my face go numb and then woke up in recovery thirty minutes later.

the nurse asked me if i was in pain. when i said yes she gave me some meds. i fell asleep again. a couple hours later i woke up, went to the bathroom and changed back into my clothes. the nurse gave me my post op instructions and wheeled me out to see tyler and my mom. as we drove home i remember tyler asking me a lot of questions. i remember just feeling like i wanted to fall asleep again. i wasn't in the mood to talk. i knew he was just trying to be nice and comforting. i didn't snap at him even though i felt like i wanted to. this must have been hard for him too. i wasn't the only one that lost something that day.

the rest of the day we took it easy, just rested and watched movies. on saturday i caravanned home with my mom to california so that tyler could focus on work and not have to worry about me all day. i miss him a lot, but i know that if i was at home alone all day long i would probably be thinking about all this much more. so it's been good to get my mind off of things and help my mom and stay busy here. i will also say that although this has been extremely difficult, tyler and i are both very hopeful and trying to stay positive. we are grateful that i could even get pregnant at all and that we can try again soon and most likely have success. we know that there are many others who have it much harder than us in trying to start their families and our hearts go out to them.

i guess this just all feels very surreal. there are times when i go hours without thinking about any of this, but then i have a quiet moment when sadness creeps in. my mind races thinking about when we will get pregnant again. i wonder if i will miscarry again. i wonder if my next pregnancy will end with me holding a perfectly healthy baby in my arms or if it will be another sad ending like this one. i think about tyler and how much he has had to deal with this year, with his new job, moving, his anxiety prone wife and now his recovering-from-a-miscarriage-wife. i want to be stronger for him. i want to be more of a help then a burden.

i think about the will of the Father and how challenging this year has been for me. i wonder when i will feel like myself again. when i will feel strong again. when i will feel whole again. i know that having faith in the Lord means having faith in His timing. and i have to believe that the time will come for tyler and i to be parents. that i will hold a baby in my arms. and when i hold that baby in my arms i will feel whole, i will feel like me and all the heartache will fade away. i have to believe it. i have to.

i know that i will be a mother someday. i know that tyler will be a father someday. and maybe someday is coming later than we anticipated. but it will come.

and oh what a sweet someday it will be.